Ask Single Mom in the South: Parenting Each Others Children

 A semi-regular column that addresses your questions about single motherhood. Got a question about which you'd like my opinion? Ask in the comments or email me at singlemominthesouth@gmail.com. 

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I was single for a long time... like totally single.  If you've been with me for the duration, you know I really only started actively dating in the last two years.  Actively being a relative term because really I've only dated two men in that time.  Both had children. As you may have figured, Lawn Boy and I have gotten quite serious, being together for about a year and all, and at this point, we spend lots of time together will all of our children.

Y'all know I'm always saying how I've been in total control for all this time and it's hard to let go.  I have a certain way I've always done things with my children and I've not really had to co-parent with their dad, so it's sort of always been my way or the highway.  Let's just say that LB and his ex have a different way of parenting that I do. If you don't believe me, let me refresh your memory. *grins*

It begs the question:

How do you handle parenting each others children?

It's come up recently because his daughter has been testing limits, mostly with her parents, but apparently there was an incident involving her being disrespectful to her mother's significant other. This sparked LB's ex texting me and telling me I could "feel free to put her in her place." After a round of "What the ???"  I gave the idea some thought.

Thus far, we just don't play that way.  He handles his children and I handle mine.

That's not to say we each don't set boundaries for our homes and personal space that everyone has to follow.  There are definitely more "rules" at my house than at his and I've been known more than once to say, "Kiddo, that just will not fly with Miss Leigh," or "You can keep asking, but Miss Leigh isn't going to change her answer."

For the most part, the children respond.

On the rare occasion that I felt something needed to be addressed, I went to LB privately and he handled it accordingly.  He's done the same in return. So far it's working. Oh don't get me wrong, his children test my patience all the time and mine his.. they are kids, after all...but when it's something bigger... like disrespect or deliberately not following a rule... which has been, as I said, fairly rare, we let the parent handle it.  I'm also not counting situations where someone is in immediate danger, which would need to be dealt with RIGHT THEN... fortunately, that hasn't happened yet.

I just feel that, more so for his children than mine, there has been a lot of change in the last 18 months. Mommy and daddy each have someone new in their lives. They just don't need more people correcting everything they do, especially if it's something mommy and daddy always allowed.

So there you have it.  

How do you handle parenting each others children?

You don't. You let the actual parent handle it.

Friday Fragments: Whirlwind Countdown

Phew!  Crazy week with lots going on.  I hardly had time to think about a post this week and since I was away last weekend, I didn't have my usual Saturday morning coffee/blog post writing session.

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15 days... I can almost taste it, but of course the countdown is accompanied by the whirlwind that is everything that needs to be done before the end of the year!

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I did start to write a post for Wednesday, but I found the words wouldn't flow the way I wanted them too.  The gist of it was that this was a wonky Mother's Day for my family. 

My sister was celebrating her first Mother's Day and my mother was marking her first Mother's Day without her own mother.  Bittersweet...

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I am so loving my CSA boxes. I'm loving trying some of the recipes in the weekly newsletter. Right now there is a lot of lettuce. You'd think I'd be losing weight with all this salad I'm making... NOPE!

This week, I've made Strawberry Risotto, which was yummy, but I'll admit, needed something ~more salt, maybe?~ as well as Quiona & Kale Patties, which were delicious. This might be my favorite way to eat Kale, aside from in a smoothie.  Last night I made Sweet Potato Linguine with Browned Butter Sage Sauce.

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We had a surprise visit from my sister Evie and Baby B yesterday. My mother, who is Baby B's caregiver is away this week and Evie wanted to get out of dodge quickly because the person that took over yesterday doesn't take hints to leave so she got home from work, grabbed the baby and met us at my house. For all her troubles Baby B is one sweet, happy girl!

Evie is definitely counting down the days until my mom gets back!

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I went for a two mile run around my neighborhood the other night. My neighborhood is crazy hilly, so it was a heck of a run. Then I got home and found out there would be yoga in the park yesterday evening.  Needless to say, sitting down or descending a staircase is a very unpleasant experience this morning.  Good thing my classroom is on the main floor!
 

Ask Single Mom in the South: What Makes a "Single Mom"

A semi-regular column that addresses your questions about single motherhood. 

Got a question about which you'd like my opinion?  

Ask in the comments or email me at singlemominthesouth@gmail.com. 

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I came across an article the other day that posed the question, 

Can a married woman really call herself a single mom?

It seems Michelle Obama has made headlines recently for calling herself a married single mom because President Obama is away so much. ~ I really need to start watching the news so I'd know these things in a timely manner!

Coincidentally, I was dropping The Girl off at gymnastics last week and I overheard two dads talking. They were discussing a woman who claimed to be a single mom, but had a live-in boyfriend... a partner... and this dad seemed to feel that she needed to stop playing on people's sympathies because she wasn't truly "single" anymore.

I tend to agree.

I've had many a conversation about it with friends over the years and I'm here to tell you that in most cases, 

 the answer is NO.

It's just not the same.

There is usually a level of emotional support that comes with being married.  Generally, even if your spouse is away... a lot... you have a connection and a plan... common goals. Even in a relationship that is rocky at best, you have a warm body to help out on occasion.

This is something that in my opinion a true "Single Mom" does not have. 

In addition, when you have a husband or live-in significant other you are ~or at least have the potential to be~ a two income family.  Yes, your spouse may be away from the home, but in doing so he or she is earning money to support your family and common goals. I used to have this debate with my ex when he would give me a hard time about money.  While I certainly didn't begrudge his new wife staying home, if money was so tight, she could technically work. In my home, there is no spare person with the potential to earn extra income. It's just me.

A friend who was in a very difficult marriage said this to me one time. She said she was practically a single mother. She was the breadwinner and still had to do everything at home. Her husband didn't really contribute nor help with the kids. She was overwhelmed by her life and felt she had no help and might as well be a single mom. 

Then her husband actually did leave. While that came with some relief, she quickly realized how wrong she'd been.  Her husband did contribute income ~albeit not much~ to the family and he was a warm body with whom she could leave the children if she needed to run out for something and he did occasionally help when both children needed to be in different places at the same time.

So while I completely respect that First Lady Obama has an extremely unique set of circumstances that finds her parenting on her own in a way she probably didn't plan on when she gave birth, 

NO, she is not a single mother.

It's just not the same.

Friday Fragments: Sparse

Mother's Day is upon us. This is the first time in many years that my mother and I are in the same state for Mother's Day.  Are we celebrating together?  Nope!  My parents are headed to the beach for a week with friends and we are celebrating as we usually do.  You can read about it here and here.

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20 days of school left. Not that I'm counting.

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Daddy bought The Boy golf clubs. He brought them down as a surprise and picked him up from school to get out for 9 holes. I don't play golf. I am dangerous with clubs as evidenced by the time I accidentally used The Girl, then two, to make a bank shot.

 Mom Fail

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It's not even 5 am and I am wide awake.  That makes for one heck of a long day!  ...And that's pretty much all I've got rolling around in my brain right now. But it's 4:45 and the coffee isn't up yet, so I hope you'll forgive my lack of wittiness and my sparse fragments! 
 

Sometimes it's Hard Not to Judge

Sometimes, it is ridiculously hard not to judge.  You know you shouldn't, but it's really hard not to.

When someone is hurting someone special to you...

It's really hard not to judge.

When in hurting that person, they are also making poor parenting decisions with great potential to hurt their children...

It's even harder.

When you generally try to err on the side of grace and class and that person is sitting across the table from you with a man who refuses to take his hat off in a restaurant....

And his child is allowed to play on an iPod at dinner in a restaurant when there are several other children with whom said child can interact...

And that person along with her companion have kept the children up so late the night before the big celebration for which they arranged, that half of them fall asleep in the car and the birthday child is mean to everyone in a way you have never seen said child act before...

And that person is practically sitting in the lap of the person sitting next to her in front of all the children in an effort to force everyone to see how happy she is...

And then that person yells at the waitress when she comes in to do the restaurant's personalized birthday greeting and makes her stop because she brought her own cake...

Well, sometimes you can't help yourself.

You judge and maybe laugh repeatedly at anything remotely funny the children say or do to break the tension...

Because you are human and even though you are judging, you are still hoping to pull off that grace and class thing.

Then you ask God for forgiveness and hope He grants it...

And then you throw the grace and class out the window and write all about it on your anonymous blog.

And pray for forgiveness again.

Old School Blogging: Pop Culture

Its time for another installment of Old School Blogging courtesy of Elaine and her co-host Loukia. Head on over, check them out and link on up!

1. What was one of your favorite shows as a kid?  Why?
Growing Pains.  I loved Kirk Cameron.

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My kids also recently discovered Full House on Netflix, which was another favorite. I liked Candace Cameron because, like me,  she wasn't super skinny like all the other girls on TV at the time and I fancied myself and looking a little like her. I guess I had a thing for the Cameron Family! *grins*

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2. Which actress(es) do you see on the red carpet and kinda wish you could be for a day (or three)?
Reese Witherspoon.  She's remarried now, but for a while, she was my single mom role model.

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3.  Which actor do you wish you could, um... hang out with? ;)
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, because it seems like you really could just sort of hang out around the firepit in your back yard and shoot the breeze while the kids all ran around and played.

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4. What is one (or two or some) of your favorite movies that you have seen in the last few years?
Define "last few years" because the ones that stick out are still Sweet Home Alabama and The Blind Side... oh and The Help.

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5. Who is one celebrity out there now that you could totally do without? That you wish would just disappear?
Any of the Kardashians and the cast of The  Jersey Shore... although the latter sort of have started to disappear. A high school friend was in Target with Snookie recently...

6. Have you ever met a celebrity? If so, who? What did you say/do when you met them?
In high school I worked in an ice cream shop and people would come in periodically. Coincidentally, I've met both Ben & Jerry.  Most of them were more local-ish.

7.  Which shows do you look forward to watching every week?
I'm terrible about watching TV. I most look forward to episodes of The Pioneer Women that LB DVRs for me at his house. He's also DVRing Nashville for me which I started watching this fall, but it's on too late.  However, I haven't actually watched any of those yet! 

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Friday Fragments: Contrasts

I am continuing to cross things off the Bucket List I Don't Have.  I told you about being in a Harlem Shake video. ~Sorry, still not showing you that one, although those of you who know where I live and work could google it.~  Last week, I participated in a Flash Mob, also at school. Who knew being a teacher would make me so trendy? ~ Of course, saying so negates that!

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I'm thinking about starting an "Ask Single Mom in the South" feature, where readers could email questions about single motherhood/divorce and I'd give my opinion on the subject.  I've been feeling a little like my blog has turned into the LeighAnne and LB show and while my dating experiences certainly do speak to single motherhood, I don't want it to be all about that. 

What do y'all think?  Ideas for getting the word out? Feel free to comment or start email me with ideas/questions.

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My sister Evie and Baby B could use your prayers. Evie has gone back to work full time and it is proving harder than she thought. On top of that, Little Miss B has both a milk protein allergy AND a soy sensitivity combined with being in the top 1% of babies with sensitive skin. She has crazy eczema and a nasty diaper rash that is irritated by every natural, over-the-counter, and prescription treatment they have tried.  Luckily, my mom is there, which is the best possible situation.

She had a complete meltdown this week and my mom said, "I swear Leigh, it was just like living with you!"

That's my mom! She somehow never misses the opportunity to zing me. Although in this case, it was both true AND funny, so I actually laughed! 

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In contrast, I came home from yoga this week and LB ~see what I mean, there he is, sneaking into a post again~  had the kids all tucked in a waiting for me.  I went up to do our usual routine of prayers and songs and The Boy asked for just prayers. I came down sniffling to LB that he was getting to big and I was so said.  All was well again the next night when he wanted the full deal, but my days are numbered. Pretty soon he really won't want Mamma to sing anymore. *sigh*

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Wednesday's post seemed to hit home with a lot of you and I appreciated your affirmations on my stance, but gracious, ladies, what is it about some 'friendships' that make you feel like you are still stuck in middle school!?!  

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Twenty-five days of school left. Summer is getting so close I can almost taste it! 

Mrs 4444 got a new button. Don't you just love it!?!?