Wednesday, February 22, 2012

PYHO: Remembering Fondly

I was really touched by your responses to my post about the days leading up to realizing I was pregnant with The Boy.  Of course, it got me thinking...

When a marriage is falling apart and you are really at odds with each other, what do you do with the happy memories?

I've learned to let them lie and be what they are: 

HAPPY MEMORIES

Because those moments, between those two people, they were happy... dreams were coming true... and that doesn't change just because things didn't work out.

The fact is, that regardless of the motivation that might be assigned to it in retrospect, The Boy, who was then just "a baby" was very much planned and wanted and welcomed.

We were so very young and in many ways, innocent, and so very blessed in that we said we wanted a baby, we started trying, and BAM! we got pregnant ~In fact, my ex may have been heard complaining more than once that he wished it hadn't happened quite so fast, because it went from being really fun to not in a matter of weeks, you know, with the nausea and emotions and exhaustion and all... *winks*

That isn't changed by what's happened in the years since, because those two people...that young couple... they got that baby and they still love him and cherish him, even if they are now doing it apart, instead of together like they originally planned.

It's okay to remember the "happy," because it was just that in the moment:

HAPPY

It is a gift I can give my children...to know that they were born out of the love of both of their parents and that both of their parents still love them in their own way. It is okay, when the moment warrants to give them silly, happy memories of our time together, because we had 12 years of it.

Oh, lessons can be learned too, about love that is too young and doesn't develop into lasting love and how to nurture love so the cycle isn't repeated, but in the meantime, my children are young and they don't remember what it was like to have their parents be together and they need to know about the happy.


15 comments:

The Blonde Duck said...

My parents are still married, but happiness and love is something I never found until Ben. What a gift for your kids.

Diane said...

Wise words and thoughts. Your kids are blessed with a wonderful mama!

Tracy Wilson said...

People often make the mistake of "throwing the baby out with the bath water", so to speak.
I always try to speak well of my ex- at one time I loved him very, very, much...and we brought two incredible souls into this world together. I didnt do that alone-
I try to remember that the Universe is simply perfect- no matter what is happening. That's REALLy tough, sometimes...but then I think of the joy he gave me; especially when he bowed out and let me raise them without much interference from him.

That was one of the greatest gifts I could have...young love only comes around once. But the boys are gifts nothing and no one can diminish.
I guess I should tell their Dad thank you more often, huh?
Have a GREAT week!
Tracy

Maureen | TatterScoops said...

This post is so beautiful. So easy for parents who get divorce to become enemies but you and your ex seems to be on the right path to co-parenting and raising happy lovely child. :)

The Mommy Therapy said...

Wonderful post. I feel heartbroken for children of divorced parents that only focus on the bad parts of it all. It's such a gift to your children to let them know there was, and can be happy too.

Tiffany said...

What a wonderful post! I never thought about divorce like that. People seem to forget that there once was a happy time and that when children are involved, it's important to remember that.
It might make a world of difference in so many childrens lives. I honestly believe that if my husband's parents had been that way, he would have had a different outlook on marriage. (he was very tentative about it, worried about failure)

Michelle Saunderson said...

So true. I look back on my former marriage and remember some fond moments. I try not to speak badly about my ex and I don't feel like I need to because kids are very smart and will come to their own conclusion about people based on their actions.

Di said...

So true. I feel that way about all of my past relationships. Even though they didn't work out those Happy Memories - they are still there for us to enjoy.

Renegades said...

Great post!

viviene said...

=) Let's keep those happy memories alive in our hearts =) Things may have changed.. plans may have been redirected but life goes on. =)

Adrienne said...

This is beautiful! Remembering the happy is a good lesson for me too.

Not a Perfect Mom said...

I wish my parents could have been as you and your ex seem to be...

Shell said...

You have such amazing perspective on it!

kristi said...

My Mom never dogged on my dad but when I was 14 I realized he was a total douche.

Babes Mami said...

Chris and I have joked that we would try to raise the kids together if we split up so why even bother separated but in all seriousness I would like to hope that we could get along and not make things full of resentment like so many couples do.