Wednesday, May 2, 2012

PYHO: When Friendship Goes Awry

I have a friend...one of my closest friends... who is having trouble with my dating and I don't know what to do about it.

She has been, since I moved down here, one of my closest friends. We have stuck by each other through splits, arguments, and drama with other friends.  We have been there for each other, helped each other out.

She set up the first date I went on after I moved Below the Mason Dixon Line.  It was not a match and she claims she knew it wouldn't be, but she wanted me to start somewhere.  I have since found out that other people had tried to set me up with a guy or two over the years and she discouraged them insisting that I was not ready.

She did not like Cute Boy. She was just about the only one ~actually I really think she was the only one~ who didn't. Since Cute Boy and I have broken up, she has told me it is good to have me back and has come up with all sorts of reasons for giving him the cold shoulder.
  • I changed when I met him.~Am I not as fun when I'm HAPPY?
  • I always had my nose in my phone~ which is partly true, but I got my first SmartPhone a week before I met Cute Boy, so it's probably coincidental that I started spending more time on my phone. I finally had a phone worth spending time on!
  • He smoked~ which was a total fabrication that I'm still not sure where she came up with.
Now, as I am embarking on this new "relationship" with Lawn Boy, whom I met through our other really close friend, she has a problem with him too. At this point, she does not even know we are dating, but she has already started:
  • It was inappropriate for him to come mow my lawn before a party ~Hence the name- Lawn Boy- Get it??? That's also how he signed the card on the flowers, so he did it to himself.
  • He's not my type, so "we" don't have to worry.
  • I'd never give him the time of day.~I'm snickering at how off she is on this, I am...I'm sorry!
  • She should have known I was texting with a boy again, because I'm ignoring her. ~Um, hello?  I'm right here, haven't heard from you either!
I am feeling like I simply cannot go through this every time I date someone to whom she hasn't introduced me.  I find myself at a crossroads in which I need to decide if the friendship is worth it.  We had just started to repair some of the damage caused by her reaction to Cute Boy and now it is starting again. I'm feeling like I have this whole, huge part of my life I cannot share...like I am only welcome if I am by myself...like if I ever asked for Lawn Boy or any other boy, for that matter, to be included the answer would be "no."

I hate the idea that a friendship would end because of a boy... but then is it really?

Is it ending over a boy or is it ending because she needs control and cannot share and the boy is the catalyst?

I have a friend...one of my closest friends... who is having trouble with my dating and I don't know what to do about it.

19 comments:

Jenn [ Crippled Girl ] said...

Sometimes our reaction to changes doesn't bring out the best in us. I'm sorry you're dealing with this with your friend. Is she married/in a long-term relationship? I almost wonder if she's not dealing with her own jealousy issues of you getting to date again . . .

I think no matter what you do about the situation, it's going to come to a head that won't be pretty at the time, but will hopefully resolve itself without entirely ruining your friendship. *Hugs*

Blond Duck said...

I think she's trying to put you in a box and mad because you won't stay in it. So unless you feel like living in a box, don't worry with it.

Ellen Stewart (aka Ellie/El/e/Mrs. Seaman) said...

I admit, I'm so behind this week, I skimmed this a bit, but have you talked with her about it?

It is natural that when you start a new relationship and keep that relationship, your time for other things will change. Anyone who expects otherwise is misguided. For Pete's sake, I have to friends who became gramma's at 50 and I never see them any more. It stings, but it makes sense, they want their free time to be with their little ones. It's call great love.

Can I tell you I'm a little creeped out that you call the men in your life boys? Or should I keep that to myself?

Melinda@LookWhatMomFound...and Dad too! said...

misery loves company right?
is she unhappy with her situation and needs a sidekick?

Slamdunk said...

I think your other commenters hit it well.

And I thought all the drama was in romantic relationships--evidently your friend seeks to change that notion.

I hope she mellows and lets you lead your own life.

Shell said...

It sounds like she would be like this no matter who you were dating- so it's not really over a specific boy, but her wanting more control/influence over your life. :(

Diane said...

Is she married? If she is married, I think she's jealous...maybe because she feels she's missing out on all the "fun".

If her friendship truly means that much to you and it sounds like it does, I would try talking with her about it. Hopefully, it will make her realize she's being selfish and an unsupportive friend but she may get defensive and angry. And if she does that? Well, I'm not sure she's such a good friend after all.

bonnie-bonnbonnboutiqe.blogspot.com said...

Honestly, I think it's jealousy. True friends rejoice when you are happy, and cry with you when you are sad. This reaction sounds very high school to me. Might be time to re-evaluate the friendship.

Ducky said...

It doesn't sound like friendship to me. It sounds more as if you serve a certain purpose in HER life that suits HER needs and really has nothing at all to do with you. I could be wrong, but I am fairly certain that is not how friendships work.

Of course the number of real friends I have, I can count on one hand :O)

The Dolls Are Alright said...

Every relationship goes through ups and downs ... but ... something feels off to me about your friendship. If you're having to stress over this, maybe it's time to let her/the relationship go. Isn't that what you would do if she was a he and you were dating? It just doesn't feel like a true best friend, who has your back, is happy when you're happy, is supportive. Yes, telling the truth is a good thing ... but the criticalness just doesn't feel right. Big decision time for you!

Heather said...

Oh that stinks. I am not sure what she is feeling - jealousy, control? But it is no good for you and you are right you can't go tip toeing around because she gets all huffy.

Unfortunately I think it is time for the talk.

Why is everything always so complicated?

Babes Mami said...

Is this friend always single?

I have a friend who was my best best best friend when I first moved back here and we went out and had tons of fun. When Chris and I first started hanging out it was cool because he was basically dating both of us, in a way, if that makes sense. But, when we spent some time alone she started being distant and then I got pregnant and we stopped talking. Reconnected after I had Nate, I'm a mommy now so we barely talk. She was fine when I was single or child free but now, not so much.

If you really like this friend, maybe distance yourself until she grows up a little bit because she is acting like a jealous baby.

Andrea (ace1028) said...

Oh no. Lawn boy seems so sweet and cute and like a good guy and you deserve a shot at finding happiness so said friend should not be interfering. She has a family right? Kids and a husband? How could she know - how could anyone who hasn't been wearing the same shoes as you are right now - know what it's like for you? Not cool. I'd say it's not a good way for a true friend to act. And you know I mean that I'd never do that cause I am psyched for you, and I'd never do that to a best friend, either, cause I don't play that way. (hugs) I'm sorry, mama. That sucks.

Tiffany said...

A real friend would not be putting you down for living your life. They would be embracing it with you and be there for support, even if it was only 10 minutes in person a week and two phone calls.
I've been through the friendships that suck the life out of you, tear you down and everything in between. Sorry it's coming to this for you.
BIG HUGS.

Jessica {Team Rasler} said...

This does sound like it is about more than the boy. I wonder what she would say if you had a heart to heart with her about it (or maybe you already have about Cute Boy)? But in general I find that good friends are supportive even if they have misgivings - which they keep to themselves unless the relationship seems destructive in some way. If she can't do that, she doesn't sound like she's a true friend. : (

Mimi B said...

hahahaha Love the names these guys get and you're right, if that's how he signed the card, it's his fault. As for this gal, I think she's jealous. It's a shame that she's handling this so badly. I have a feeling one of my friends will not handle it well when she finds out I'm looking at dating again. =/

Brandy said...

I thing girls (including myself) can be weird and hormonal and do things no one understands all the time. :) Regardless of the reasons why she's being this way--I'm of the sort that thinks if something is causing more frustration and anxiety than it should, it's reached an unhealthy place. One of my best friends and I parted ways last year. I have missed her terribly. But the truth is that I couldn't handle the issues anymore and being with her no longer made me feel good about myself. We were always frustrated with each other. So even though I'm sad to lose a good friend over stupid things, I have enough going on in my life that I just can't make room for girl drama. Not at my age.

Stephanie said...

Sometimes friends really do have trouble growing and changing with us. I'm sure if yuo just keep being your sweet self and sending her the occasional text and call, all will work out:)

Tricia said...

I think that it might be time to phase the relationship out -- maybe later you can rekindle it, but it sounds a lot like she is jealous and wants you all to herself. While it is somewhat of a compliment, it isn't fair to you to have a friend who doesn't support you or want the best for you.

Sorry. That totally sucks.