Wednesday, July 25, 2012

PYHO: Expecting Too Much?

Do you ever feel like maybe you expect too much of people, because they are always letting you down?

I have a good friend. In a lot of ways, she has been there for me, but she is not the most reliable.  She suffers from depression and as a result, has gained quite a bit of weight. It can be hard to get her to leave the house. Lately, though, it seemed as though she had turned a corner.  She is working out again, has lost 15 pounds, is getting out more and in a HUGE step, made plans to finally meet a man she met on the Internet.

She invited my kids for an overnight last weekend, completely umprompted...it was totally her suggestion.  The Girl left all of her sleeping animals...and it's a circus...at her house.  She didn't tell me until we were going to bed that evening and luckily, coming off a sleepover where she'd been to bed late and up early, she was asleep before we finished our bedtime routine.  Admittedly, I forgot about it...and part of me thought that it was her fault and she'd have to handle the consequences.

The next night, well rested, she could not fall asleep without her buddies. I cannot underscore that this is rare behavior for her, but for 3 hours, she was up, down, and in tears and could not get to sleep.  I texted my friend to tell her that we'd left the stuff. She knew and offerred to drop it off on her way out of town to meet the guy the next day, because she had to drive right by. Literally, she cannot get on the highway without driving by my neighborhood.

I told The Girl in the morning and we waited. A little after noon I get a text that says she's leaving ASAP, then a minute later I get another asking if The Girl really NEEDS her stuff.  Uh Oh!  I immediately responded with YES! and, knowing that she'd been out running errands asked if I could meet her somehwere...

No Response...

Until 2.5 hours later when she tells me she's already 2 hours away.

I was so upset...mad... angry, because I don't believe that even though she offered, she ever had an intention of dropping me stuff off. She decided, that even though she'd driven by my neighborhood no less than three times in getting ready for her trip, it was too much to honor her offer.

She repeatedly said she was sorry, but was she really? Please don't apologize when you make a deliberate choice not to honor your word.

I know she was nervous and excited, but if I had a dollar for every time she bailed on plans and this time, she didn't just bail on me, she bailed on my kid, because by the time she responded, I knew I wasn't going to have time to get out to her place to pick up the stuff before bedtime.

Luckily, I explained all this to The Girl and she went to bed with minimal shenanigans. Her response was, "Oh Mamma, [insert friends name] never comes when she says she will!"

Y'all, I'm just so disappointed.  I know I am not perfect and probably do things that drive her crazy, and I know I'm just telling you my side of the story, but...

Am I expecting too much?


17 comments:

Erin said...

Oh how irritating on a friend level and sad on the Mommy level. Your daughter is pretty quick to pick up on your friends lack of follow through, I had to laugh about that one.

Ellen Stewart (aka Ellie/El/e/Mrs. Seaman) said...

If you keep taking her word, and she's known for breaking it, then yes.

But in general, no.

Diane said...

I definitely do not think this is expecting too much from a friend. There's really no excuse for her not following through on such a simple task after she promised she would. I mean, how hard would that have been?! She is clearly struggling with some issues and is not in a place to be a true, dependable friend. Even The Girl recognizes it!

Andrea (ace1028) said...

Sigh. No. You're not. Especially when the girl is involved. If you knew it wouldn't have happened you'd have gone yourself to get the stuff. That stinks and I would have felt let down, as well. (hugs)

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I can't stand when someone doesn't do what they say they'll do. Stuff happens and nobody's perfect, but once it becomes a habit, I generally start to avoid that person.
I have recently been very disappointed by someone who I am very close with and I thought would never disappoint me. It hurts....

Mimi B said...

Ok, I'm going to play devil's advocate here because of my own perspective. Does she have ADD? I do and I could drive right past your house WITH your daughter's stuff ON my lap and totally space. I could've thought about it a block from your house and if I saw a squirrel run in front of my car, I'd be 2 hrs away from you before I remembered I was supposed to have dropped the stuff off.

It's how our brains work. Good or bad (obviously mostly bad). I'm not condoning what she did, but I just understand it if it was an honest, ADD mistake.

No one shoot me. I have ADD and it's not easy to live with. =/

Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

No, no ADD. :-( Based on her texts she just decided not to drop the stuff off because she wanted to get on the road!

Jenni said...

I can imagine how frustrating that could be! I always try to give people grace because I don't always know what I would do if the roles were reversed. I'm very non-confrontational. ;-)

Stephanie said...

I have a friend almost exactly like that. Sigh. I try and remind myself that it is the depre3ssion, the anxiety that leads her to bail, make bad choices, but sometimes it just plain hurts. You have a right to be upset. Hugs xo

Leigh Powell Hines (Hines-Sight Blog) said...

That is terrible. It's not fair to your daughter.

The Girl Next Door said...

I was totally going to rant on your friend until I saw Mimi B's comment. But even given severe ADD, a child's well being is involved. Sometimes, as I have told my kids (and colleagues) "Sorry doesn't cut it."

Glad your daughter figured it out. She sounds like my daughter who sees right to the core of people way before I ever do!

Missy said...

I don't think you're expecting too much. She made a promise! And this wasn't about you, it was about your CHILD! I think she let you (and your child) down. Badly.

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell said...

Gosh, I don't know. It would be hard to deal with it if she's so unreliable all the time, especially if your personality is just the opposite!

Charlotte Klein said...

I don't think you're expecting too much at all. I think your friend's actions are extremely insensitive, especially when it concerns your daughter.

It's such a fine line. I'm sure you love your friend to pieces, but there's just so much a person can take, too. Recently I had to say goodbye to friends who stood me up repeatedly and were very fair weather friends. It's unfair to receive that kind of treatment.

XOXO and I'm sure you'll make the right decision. Also glad that the Girl realized it wasn't you but your unreliable friend who wasn't able to make the effort.

Babes Mami said...

I don't think it's too much to expect of a good friend who should have known how important these were, remember to bring them. If she had to have them all over at the friends house then of course she NEEDS them!!

Shell said...

Oh, that's so frustrating! She said she'd do it, she went right past your neighborhood... there's just no excuse. :(

Cameon said...

No, you're not expecting too much. I had a friend that was constantly doing things like your friend seems to be doing and always making excuses. She got to the point where she would cancel on the last minute and working full time, it got annoying to make plans only to have them cancelled and especially when it comes to concerts and things like that. Finally, when her boyfriend and her cancelled on my boyfriend and I the night before we were supposed to go on a Gatlinburg trip (leaving us with all of the costs I might add) I said I was done. I hope you don't lose a friend but I eventually had to come to the realization that at some point you have to stop making excuses for people.