Do you ever feel like you are a terrible friend?
Like all of your friendships are people giving to you and you cannot give back?
Like you always have an excuse and even if it's a very valid excuse, it's still an excuse?
My life is hard.
While here on my blog, I'm more honest about that, IRL, I try to focus on the positive. I know it's hard. I know I have a lot on my plate, but it is what it is and it isn't going to change, so why dwell on it? Muddle through, make the best of it and focus on the blessings.
I mean really, if all I ever do is complain, who is going to want to hang around me?
But it is hard and perhaps I'm doing too well at hiding it, perhaps I focus too much on the positive...
Because, sometimes I get overwhelmed and the stress of it all... the-full time, sole primary care giving of my children, the full-time job to support us, the upkeep of the house... makes me forgetful and as a result, unreliable.
I was supposed to watch a friend's children recently so she and her husband could go out for their anniversary. She asked me about it over a month ago, and I apparently agreed, but she said nothing again until the week before when she posted on my facebook page asking if her son could bring a something the following weekend.
I was truly puzzled. I had no clue to what she was referring. I sent her a quick text, calling "Brain Burp" and asking for clarification. That's when she told me about our agreement.
It did not ring a bell. AT ALL. Which may have caused me to freak out a bit, but it wasn't a big deal because I hadn't inadvertently made other plans. I could still honor my commitment. We laughed it off and she excused my forgetfulness, chalking it up to stress, but perhaps I made it seem like it would be an inconvenience. I didn't intend to, but it's the only thing I can think of...
Later that day, I got a text from a coworker who had watched The Girl for me the previous week, letting me know that she'd just found lice on her daughter. I checked The Girl and sure enough, we were having a recurrence! I was so distressed I couldn't even cry, but The Girl did...boy did she as I commenced combing and shampooing again.
Feeling like I couldn't win, I fired off a text to my friend telling her ~with a week's notice~ that The Girl had lice for the second time and she might want to come up with a Plan B since this was the second time in a month and we wouldn't be out of the woods yet the following weekend.
I heard nothing, so the night before I was to watch her children, I sent another text...still nothing. I never did here from her. She never did confirm whether or not they were coming.
I let her down; she who is always willing to help me out. The one time she asks me to do something for her, I bail.
Yes, my excuse is valid, but her silence tells me that its just another in a long line of excuses and perhaps she has reached the point where the friendship is, on her part, too much give with nothing in return. I get it. In fact, I have been distancing myself from another friend who is unreliable and doesn't follow through. I feel that right now, my life is so busy and my free time so limited, I want to spend it with people who I know will not cancel.
It seems that with this friendship, the shoe is on the other foot. I am sad. I feel guilty. It makes my heart hurt to know that my life is such that I cannot be there for those who are there for me. At the same time, it makes me angry that she, with her husband and her part-time work and her "cushy" life, if you will, cannot, or is not willing to, be more forgiving of me, nor give me the courtesy of the notice I gave her.