Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Lessons of the Heart

I wasn't sure I should hit publish on this one.  It feels a little... revealing.  I know I tend to be pretty open here, but most of the really tough stuff is old... it's easy to discuss my divorce because it's in the past and I've moved on, but this...some of this is in the present and talking about it leaves me more vulnerable. In fact, I first typed this about two months ago, but never hit the button, because I hadn't actually shared my feelings with the person to whom they would be most important and it seemed a bit of a... violation, if you will... to share them on my mostly anonymous blog first. KWIM?

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I was reflecting the other day on my limited dating experiences and the things I've learned about love and matters of the heart from the few serious relationships I've been in. While I regret some of the choices I made within them ~okay really just this first one~ I don't regret any of them, because they have each taught me something about myself and what I need.


My Ex Husband
We were so young and in the beginning, I loved him very much, but it was the love of a seventeen-year-old girl and it never matured. I loved my life and my children, but in the end, I was not in love with him. He taught me to be cautious with my feelings... not to rush and that just because someone tells you you love them, doesn't mean you have to say it back. Do you know how hard that was for me at 17?  To have him tell me he loved me... I wasn't prepared for what to say, so not wanting to hurt him, I said it back and found myself on a fast train that I did not know how to stop.

Cute Boy
Not love; infatuation. He swept me off my feet and my feelings for him were intense and heady.  The attraction and connection to each other were immediate, so was the respect ~which is why we are still friends. I loved who I was when I was with him, and how he made me feel and that was very hard to let go of. Every girl should experience feeling this way about a guy.  He was good for my self confidence. He helped me see my value as a woman and a person, but we both knew we were not "the one," even though for a time I'd hoped he would be. 



Lawn Boy
He snuck up on me. He was supposed to be my "over the hump guy,"  but he wouldn't go away. He was determined.  My feelings for him developed a little more slowly, so much so that in the beginning, I doubted them when I compared them to the way I had felt for CB.  Then one day, I realized that not having him there was like missing a body part and I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. My feelings for him are solid and secure and mature.  I love HIM, not what he does for or can give me ~ although that's nice too.

Still we are going slow... in part because we have to, but also because we want to do this the "most right" way we know and that means giving everyone, most importantly our children, time to adjust, so that hopefully when the time comes to make big changes, it will seem the natural step, not only to us, but to them too.


 
Each of these relationships has had a lesson and finding that lesson has made them invaluable in their own way. It's allowed each subsequent relationship to be a little stronger, until now, when I've found the one I pray is the one that is made to last.

20 comments:

Heather said...

I think you are totally right. Every relationship teachers us lessons. I think it is when we realize those lessons that we are able to make a relationship a lasting one.

So happy that you are feeling like you are at the place in your life!

Diane said...

So happy you've found the one who makes your heart smile. :)

NJ @ A Cookie Before Dinner said...

I love this one. Thanks for letting it all hang out there. It reminds me of that song by Rascal Flatts... God Bless The Broken Road That Lead Me Straight to You.

Tracy Wilson said...

Ahhh- love is in the air in the South.
Way to go, Mama :)

Tracy

Slamdunk said...

Always appreciate your honesty here single mom. I think the most important part in all of this is that you are praying. It is amazing what wisdom can be gleaned in relationships or whatever when we pray.

And on your comment over at my place this morning--sorry I was not clear on that. The helper refers to our younger son by name or as "client" in the submitted reports. She means no offense, and is employed by an agency and not the school.

Enjoy your WED.

Cyndy Newsome said...

I read this post in the middle of composing a post about Hunter (which I will be posting in a couple of weeks). The way you and LB are sounds much like me and Hunter and the graphic about "and then my soul saw you...." is PERFECT! Amazing.
Anyway, enough about me. I am so happy that you and LB have found each other and I totally admire the way you've handled it.
Wish you all the best!!! xoxo

The Dose of Reality said...

I think it is great that you are able to reflect on past relationships and current ones and really learn the lessons. Good for you. :)

Alethea Etinoff said...

Sorry to read your marriage ended in divorce. I am happy you found Lawn Boy. :-) Stopping by from SITS.

Blessings~
Alethea

Jennifer said...

I'm happy you hit the publish button because I needed this post! Last year, I met a guy that I was just head over heels for. He was fun and the connection was great. He ended up being such a great friend, but nothing ever came of the relationship. Out of the blue, a guy I've known for six years contacted me right before Christmas. We've been dating for a little over six weeks and I really like him. It is very different than with the previous guy, but different in a good way. After twelve years of being a single mommy and dating getting pushed to the back burner, this is kind of new to me!

Shell said...

Oh, I love this and relate so much.

Can I just say that I think it's obvious in the way that LB is around you that he's an amazing guy? You can tell her cares and wants to take care of you. It's so sweet.

Di said...

I love analyzing past relationships and figuring out how I got from there to here...and where I still need to go. I think it's super important too.

Glad you've found the one that feels right!

WhisperingWriter said...

I'm so glad you found someone right for you :)

Andrea B. said...

I love this. Love your reflection and the way you walk yourself through it all. You've grown and changed and experienced what you need to. Have you told LB what you say here? The wording is perfect. (hugs)

Mimi B said...

This post makes me smile so widely! Very happy for the place you're in now. I was in those other two places, once 15 yrs ago and the other just a year ago. Now I'm in the same last place you are and it's such a beautiful place to be. =)

Aleta said...

I love that you share your thoughts on your blog, so openly and honestly. It's a breath of fresh air and it's real. I like what you wrote and similar to you, I've been through divorces and I don't regret what path I've been on... because it's the path that brought me to Greg. Sometimes we just take a different road to learn who we need to be.

bill lisleman said...

that was fun to read. Do you think guys would not be so clueless if they read more stories about relationships?

Babes Mami said...

I'm impressed with how open/honest you were in this post! I really liked reading it and LB seems/sounds fantastic. The ones you can't shake no matter how hard you try seem to be the ones that are best. At least, that's how my husband was and I could not imagine him not being in my life!

Jill said...

Love your perspective on past relationships teaching you about yourself. I'm glad to hear you've found "a keeper"! :)

Ilene, The Fierce Diva Guide to Life said...

OK - as a very, very new single mom - with no dating experience post marriage as of yet, I think I need to start reading your blog. I love your lessons and I will hold them close to my heart - a heart that is feeling a little fragile...xo

(Single)Mommy said...

Thanks for being so honest. Dating is not easy as a single mom. But you're right each relationship teaches us and we take a little something from it all.

Tania
http://myadventures-in-mommyland.blogspot.com/