Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Everyone Else Gets to Go First

I noticed recently via facebook ~Oh how I dislike this new feature that allows you to see things your friends have commented on, even if the original poster is not a friend of yours!~  that someone to whom I used to be very close has remarried.

I'm not taking it very well.

I'm jealous.... 

Flat out, uncomfortably, totally green.

It doesn't look or feel very good on me.

I've watched countless friends move on over the years, most of whom got divorced after me and have already remarried ~and some divorced again~ and sometimes I lose sight of my intentions and how much my children are thriving and why I've done things in this manner and at this speed because I feel like everyone else is leaving me behind.

All alone.

This one, is particularly hard, because it comes with emotional baggage. .Just a little over a year ago, I held this person's hand as her husband left, came back, left again, and she began the process of legal separation. She was in a really bad way and I tried my best to be a good friend, but my best was never good enough.   She became so mentally unstable that I had to cut ties and it's hard to believe she has healed enough to truly be in a healthy relationship, although if this man does provide some stability, that's good for her children.


BUT

It's tough to keep that in mind because she was really, Really, REALLY ugly to me and I'm finding it difficult to be a good Christian and wish her well. Part of me feels like it should be MY turn.  I should get to go first, because I've been single longer and I've been dating Lawn Boy longer.

That said, Lawn Boy and I do have a plan. It's one I'm comfortable with. There is no hurry.  We are both financially stable, so we don't need to combine households to stay afloat.  We have two separate sets of children with visitation schedules and emotional needs that have to be accounted for. We have two homes, neither of which is big enough for our combined crew, that need to be sold and a new one found. I know where we are headed and our timeline and caution makes sense for us.

It's still really hard, when it feels like everyone else gets to go first.


14 comments:

Shashi Charles said...

I know this is easier said than done...but don't forget, but, forgive and let go...truly let go..if she was that ugly towards you inspite of you being their for her...then you are better off letting go - I know I don't know you...but, I have been in a similar situation...trust me - you need to surround yourself with people who are not ugly to you and if they are, they quickly realize it and do everything to make things better.
We all have our own unique schedules, our own ways of doing things...for me personally, it just doesnt seem to work to compare my situation or progress on someone else's...as each and every circumstance is truly unique to each of us. All that matters is that you are at a pace you are happy with! After all it's not who is first, it's who enjoyed the journey :)
Great post - thank you for your transparency - I hope I have helped you - even a tad

The Dose of Reality said...

You know what, I feel that way a lot when I see posts on FB about people traveling. I want to have a turn, too. But in the end, you are doing it the RIGHT way. The best way for you and your children, and that actually makes you first. :)-Ashley

Tettelestai said...

Oh jealousy is such an ugly monster, and it seems like it has talons that dig so deep. I know this has to be hard for you, even with a plan and a man ;-)

God doesn't expect perfection, just obedience. Ask Him to be happy for her, even when you recognize that she may not be ready for this step and not equipped for a new relationship. He will give you what you need and process your feeling in prayer. You need that as well.

You are an amazing woman and worthy of admiration. May God be merciful to you through this trial and come through refined and sweet as southern tea :-)

Leah said...

I'm sending you the biggest hug!!! We ALL feel like that sometimes (often:((() But, remember you are comparing what you *think* is their life - what they present to the public - so it's gonna always look good - to what you know about yourself and your life (all your insecurities, all your fears, all your challenges). Comparing their best to your worst! They will always look better. Every once in a while I have a pity party for myself about all the things I wish I had, or the life I wish I lived, or whatever. Then, I try to remind myself of all my blessings and start refocusing on all that good. You ARE blessed. You are creating a wonderful life for yourself - the life you want.

Slamdunk said...

That must be difficult, but it sounds like you all are doing what is right.

I definitely need time each day to be reflective of all of the blessings in my life. Otherwise, it is easy for me to play the "why me" game and lose sight of my long-term goals.

Shell said...

But you are doing this all with a plan. And not just quickly rushing into anything. How you need to do it. Your turn will be soon- and I want a wedding invite. ;)

Dawn Saros-Kirk said...

Sometimes I feel that way with one of my friends. Everything seems to fall into place for her so easily and I seem to always have to struggle. I'm very, very happy for her but I have that little bit of envy that pops up every now and then. And then I feel really bad for feeling that way. You do things in your own time--reality may not be what it looks like with that person. Best wishes to you!

Mimi B said...

I'd say I know what you mean, but in reality I don't. All of my friends from MN are married and never been divorced...well, a vast majority of them. I'm going to be in a wedding next month, but she's an online friend and met her boyfriend long before I met my guy. In a way, I guess I'm buffered.

Thinking about this other gal though, even though you KNOW how you feel about her and this situation, it's totally understandable that you're ready for your time (and not ready). What this gal may or may not have gotten herself into doesn't change the fact that she's married again...'already'. I'm just looking ahead to the day you and LB get hitched and see how far you and both of your families have come. I know it'll all be worth the wait! =)

Angelwithatwist said...

Sweetie the fact that you are waiting and doing things the right way means you have a fighting chance of making it. Some people cannot be alone, they don't do well alone. Forgive her and move on, hold your head up. You have a good man, with great plans for the future that were made with level head and thoughts, not just because you don't want to be alone. You held out for the right one not the right now one..

theworkinghousewife said...

So, I know you don't need my opinion, but I agree with your way of doing things -- not rushing, taking into account your children's emotional well-being...
That being said.. I understand the jealousy monster oh so well.. I struggled so badly after my miscarriage, and then through wanting to have a child and waiting till we were more ready.. I hated that little green monster who taunted me oh so badly, but I couldn't seem to push him away.. It hurt soo bad.. But, now, I'm pregnant, baby due in 3.5 months.. and I'm so glad we waited.. But nothing is easy in the moment.

nancygrayce said...

It's true that sometimes we have to break ties with people who become toxic. I just got a shock when I saw a comment a "really" good friend (I thought) put on a picture of me with some other friends on Facebook......the Superhero said that this is exactly what is wrong with Facebook and why he's not participating! He's right but I'm still participating. Just proceeding with caution.

It feel like being left behind, but you are being so smart. The number one stressor in second marriages is children....it's true even when the two people are very much in love and very reasonable people. The reasons you listed, visitation, etc. are so valid. Take your time.....we dated two and a half years and my kids were grown and it was still hard. I could have thrown in the towel several times and I'm sure he felt the same, so it may feel like you're being left behind, but you're probably way ahead!

Aleta said...

Just remember it's not a race to happiness. You already won if it is. Because you are in love. You are loved. You have a family. You have plans.

Leigh Powell Hines said...

It sounds like to me that you are in the right place. I don't know anything at all, but I would be weary of someone getting married so soon, and moving so quickly into something new especially if she was so devastated, and emotionally unstable.

I hope that works out.

Ilene Evans said...

I know that feeling too. And I can't stand being jealous. But back to you - you and lawn boy are so meant for each other - and I know that you know that the ring is only a part of what matters - and a tiny one at that.