Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Female Friendship

I've told y'all more than once that my friends are important to me; how as a single mom they have been both a physical and emotional support system without which I couldn't survive.

They can be invaluable and more trouble than they are worth in one fell swoop.

My best friend lives in our hometown up north and sometimes I swear the reason we are best friends is less because we've known each other since Kindergarten and more because we live 600 miles from each other!

Below the Mason Dixon Line, I have a lot of acquaintances, but just a few close friends. This surprises people because I tend to seem pretty open and share what seems like intimate or heartfelt things, ~ Want to know about my divorce?  Pull up a chair! ~ but very few people are allowed all the way in.  Some may think they are, but in reality, they don't get those innermost parts of me. It's not them I call when I need an ear.

Sometimes I wish I had more close friends and sometimes I feel like I can hardly handle the ones I have.  I've told you about my woes before, here and here and here. The collective total of which illustrates how my own flaws allow me to get sucked in for a time before sanity prevails and I step back and go, "Enough of this!"

I read a blog post the other day in which, Kat, the author seemed to plant a seed in my mind about the complexity of female friendships, because over a recent weekend, I spent some time with one of my closest friends down here, listening to her outline yet another issue with yet another friend.  I won't lie, I kind of wanted to bang my head against the wall, because she had this same problem in her old neighborhood... a friendship triangle, from which  she always feels like the excluded point. I listened to how she thinks it's childish and ridiculous that these women are like this while not at all realizing that this is a pattern for her and she plays are part in it as well.

I found myself wondering why we women do this to ourselves.  Certainly, we don't have to like everyone, but why can't we all just get along. Why does it have to be a competition?!? Why does there have to be so much drama?

This led me to remembering how in late high school and college, when I was in what at the time seemed a solid, long-term relationship with my now ex, I preferred to hang out with the guys. There was less drama. They accepted me for who I was, enjoyed my company when I was there, and didn't fret when I wasn't... so much easier.   

With things getting more and more serious with Lawn Boy, I find myself circling my wagons again...  doing a little culling of whom I want to spend my time with. In recent months, my circle has gotten smaller again, because I don't need as much support anymore, so I don't have to accept the drama that comes with it. I can spend my time with people, both friends and acquaintances who I enjoy and don't have to partake in the pettiness. This is not to say I won't be there for a friend in crisis... but a real crisis... not the imagined drama reminiscent of middle school.

Maybe that is my bad. Maybe in a way it's a little sad... this need I have to stay the heck out of it.  Maybe it keeps me from forming those deep bonds with people and keeps things too superficial, but I sort of feel like I have enough drama of my own and I just don't want to get wrapped up in all this other crap.




12 comments:

Andrea B. said...

Too funny because when I was in H.s my best friends for the most part were guys. I had my tight circle of girlfriends, 1-2 new friends I just met in HS. And guys.

I miss them! I also miss my two guy best friends who are in NY and Chiacgo and far far away. I feel ya.

The Dose of Reality said...

I could not agree with you more about female friendship...I have a small, but very close group of good girlfriends...it took some weeding out, but these are the ones who are here to stay! :)-Ashley

Aleta said...

Some women love drama. I mean.. LOVE drama. I like quiet and calm. Life is drama enough. Lol. But friends are important and we take the good with the bad.

Neural Chick said...

I think you meant "accepted." :)

Leah said...

Totally agree. I think some women only want to be friends when there is drama! I notice some of my friends seem to prefer when I was in crisis mode (aka divorce) but have a hard time when I am happy. You have to weed through the ones that are always with you - in bad and IN GOOD!!!

Kat said...

I'm glad that I was able to "plant a seed" for you.

There are some women who seem to get a charge out of drama - their own or somebody else's. I've done my best to weed those one out because life is too short for that kind of stress. We all need to do ourselves the favour of only keeping around those who bring light to our lives.

multiples-mom.com said...

That is a funny post. There is often more drama in female friendships, but also more depth. I came over from Pour Your Heart Out.
: 0 ) Theresa (Capri + 3)

Slamdunk said...

I confess, I know nothing about female friendships. The Mrs. has friends over and I go play with the kids and dog.

Ilene Evans said...

I have no patience for the girl drama, or the competition for that matter. But my female friends are extremely important to me. I keep the "good" ones close.

Cyndy Bush said...

I feel like lately, I keep reaching out only to be ignored. My best friend is going through some weird stuff and I try to reach out, offer help, support, etc. and....nothing. Another close friend I keep inviting over, only to hear excuses. I'm at the point where I am debating trying harder, cultivating new friendships, or just saying screw it and becoming a hermit. Not even joking.

Shell said...

In high school and college, almost all my friends were guys. It seemed so much easier. Though I found that was really hard to maintain later. Or now, if I'd make a new guy friend, unless it's one of J's friends, it would be weird. :/

Mimi B said...

I think I get along with guys better because many become like big brothers. They're solid for me, whereas I only get that with a few women. I have a couple of extremely close friends and sisters-in-law, but aside from them, I don't have as many close female friends. I'm certainly hoping to make new ones, but I know it's going to take a long time.